Must Love Dogs

This has been a busy spring for the Stubbs family.  There have been three weddings in three months, and a fourth this week.  None of them for me, in case you were wondering.  Each of the Stubbs’ siblings is now paired off, with the one exception.  What a relief for the folks, right?

Cue the pressure.

At my brother’s wedding reception last month, a good family friend and her husband greeted me with, “When’s it your turn?”  I laughed good-naturedly and told them it would be on the 12th, of Never, as the 15th was already booked.  Then she said, “Your family has covered April, May, and June… you have a little over a month so you can have July.”

I am not getting married in July.

So what if I caught the bouquet? I was the only single lady over the age of 12.

I figure this week will be even worse for comments as my big sister gets married.  Her fiancé is a really awesome man, by the way.  He is so good to her, and good for her.  Okay, so he doesn’t remember the first Gulf War.  And he might have been in diapers when the Twin Towers fell (I also might be exaggerating slightly).  Anyway, he has his head screwed on straight (although some might argue someone voluntarily joining the Stubbs family might not actually have one’s head screwed on just right), and has his priorities figured out.  I say… Welcome to Borracho, Honey!

And now back to me.

The first full day I was in town, my dad told me he had someone he wanted me to meet.  And then my sister chimed in that someone her fiancé knows wants me to meet their son.  Following which my niece chimed in that one of her friend’s cousins wanted to meet me.

Dad:  Do you want to hear about him or not?

Me:  Sure, Dad.  Why don’t you tell me about him?

Dad:  He works for Bedrock Quartz.

Me:  Is he a miner*?

*I interrupt this dialogue recap to tell you that I have absolutely nothing against marrying a miner.  My papa was a coal miner before he became a railroad engineer.  I just wanted to know because if I do marry I miner, I have to name one of my daughters Clementine, and I’d like to plan ahead.

Dad:  I don’t know what position he holds exactly.  I know he’s in sales.

Me:  So he’s a salesman*?

*I have nothing against salesmen.  The Kirby vacuum guy made my carpets look incredible.  And I always liked when the Fuller Brush man came to show off the newest cleaning apparatus to my mom; he was a sweet old man.  Plus, I really like The Music Man, and totally would have fallen for Professor Harold Hill.  I once tried to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics (I know, LOL, big time).  I discovered that I am NOT a salesperson.  I am a consumer.  And that’s quite good enough for me.  I absolutely cannot sell something to anyone if there’s something in it for me.  Give me a finder’s fee or kickback, and suddenly I am unable to physically form the words to endorse your product.  However, if you give me nothing, and I happen to like your product… I will sell it to everyone I know.  Twice.  I keep hoping Karma will compensate me for my efforts.

Dad:  He’s very charming.

Me:  I’m sure he is; he’s a salesman.  He’d have to be if he’s any good.  How are you acquainted with this person?

Dad:  He came to show me some granite countertops.  He was quite delightful.

Me:  So you don’t actually know him?

Dad:  Well, we talked for about twenty minutes.

Me:  While he tried to sell you countertops?

Dad:  Yes.

Me:  Of course he was delightful and pleasant.  He was trying to sell countertops.  Anyone can be delightful and charming for twenty minutes.  Are you going to buy countertops?

Dad:  Not immediately, but eventually.

Me:  So you don’t actually know him?

Dad:  I know he is a returned missionary.

Me:  Where did he serve his mission?

Dad:  I don’t know.

Me:  How old is he?

Dad:  I think he’s in his mid-to-late thirties.

Me:  Does he like dogs?

Dad:  I don’t know.

Me:  Uh huh.  Dad, I’m your daughter.  What if he skins cats in the backyard?  I don’t want to eat kitten nuggets!  You need to find these things out before you go deciding to give your daughter away to some guy.

Dad:  How am I supposed to know if he skins kittens?

Everyone in the room in unison:  ASK!

Okay, so maybe asking someone directly if they like to skin kittens isn’t always going to yield a truthful answer.  But you never know.  People aren’t really expecting that question, so they might think they’ve just stumbled upon a fellow kitten skinner.  My point was that my dad needs some serious help with his vetting process.

And that’s where you all come in.  I would like you to please help me come up with some good vetting questions I can give to my dad to ensure he doesn’t try to trade me to some guy that skins kittens in the backyard for a set of granite countertops.

Potential Questions:

Do you love dogs in general, and Joe and Marty in specific?

Trick Question… EVERYONE loves Joe and Marty!

Do you skin animals in the backyard?  (If the answer is yes, follow up with) Are you a taxidermist*?

*I have no personal experience with taxidermists, so I don’t know if I am opposed to one.

Are you a serial killer?

Are you a sociopath or a psychopath of any type?

Do you know the difference between their, there, and they’re and when to use them?  Your and you’re?  To, too, and two?  Right and write?

Post your recommended questions in the comments section below.  This is important.  This could be my future.

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One Response to Must Love Dogs

  1. Emma says:

    One EXTREMELY important question to ask: If I were to marry you, would your favorite niece be Emma? 🙂 If he says no, get rid of him 😉

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