I’m killing myself here.
I have a lot of ideas in my head for this blog, but I can’t think of a single clever idea for the title for my “about me” page.
First things first. I speak figuratively a lot. I don’t want anyone to go reporting my site because they think I mean that first line of introduction literally. I don’t. I also use sarcasm with extreme regularity. Until someone actually designs a universally recognizable sarcasm font, try to keep up. Someone tried to market a sarcasm mark once, but who would pay $1.99 for it? Whoa! Did you click the link? It’s free dollars (for a limited time only)! Curses! It’s also not available for mac users at this time. Figures.
If you are offended by something I write, assume I was being sarcastic. If you are still offended, try reading it in a British accent and see if that helps. Continue to assume the sarcasm along with dry, British wit. If that doesn’t work, try reading it in James Earl Jones’ voice. And if that doesn’t work, assume it was a personal attack.
Allow me to introduce myself. You can call me Stubbs. Nobody else does, so why shouldn’t you? I have a stubby thumb. Just the one, though. I mean, I have two thumbs; both are opposable, it’s just the one is stubby. It still works (otherwise how would I have typed my words with such even spacing? Admit it. The spacing is nice).
For the most part, I try to police my own grammar, but I know I make mistakes. I apologize in advance for those mistakes. Although, some mistakes are intentional. Like this one. I like to use sentence fragments from time to time when I think they make for better blog reading. I still use two spaces after a period. That’s because I learned to type on a typewriter. I’m also a recovering comma splicer. I like to insert that visual reminder to pause, even if it’s unnecessary, in order to make my writing sound more like my talking.
And I like to talk. A lot. Ask anyone. Just say, “Does Stubbs like to talk a lot?” And they’ll probably say, “Who?” Because nobody calls me that. Except for you.
I am passionate about a lot of things. My opinions being foremost on that list. I like to opine. This blog will have a lot of that. I was raised by a black-and-white father and a shades-of-gray mother. Oddly enough, I see the whole world in technicolor.
People have told me I should write a book. You can judge for yourself after reading my blog whether you agree with them. Please keep it to yourself if you disagree. I just barely embraced my stubby thumb as a unique part of my makeup rather than a grotesque malformation of nature (it wasn’t nature, by the way, it was nurture*). I’m not sure how I’d handle the criticism of my literary prowess (see sentence one, followed immediately by paragraph 3). At any rate, I decided against writing a book (for now) and thought a blog would be a better way to start. I’d just like to say now that I was wrong. Do you have any idea how hard it is to start one of these things? Seriously? And a book ends when the author says it ends. A blog goes on forever. And ever. Or until you forget to renew the domain name registration.
Oh, my friend, what have we started?
*My mother accidentally closed my then five-year-old thumb in the hinge of a door. It stunted the growth. It also hurt.